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TIL that Professor Roger Fisher suggested implanting nuclear launch codes in a volunteer. If the President wanted to activate nuclear weapons, he would be required to kill the volunteer by hand first. He stated "He has to look at someone and realize what death is. Blood on the White House carpet."

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 10:09

A friend is a friend

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 09:57

You're at a job interview. You get the "what is your biggest weakness?" question. What is your answer?

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 01:51

Got to keep the kitten well!

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 10:15

EU: We May Need a Law to Force iPhones to Adopt USB-C

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 15:43

Kawhi Throwing Trip Dubs at the Club

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 22:34

Friend is upset I won’t let him use my new car to get laid

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 21:48

TIL Pharrell Made Only $2,700 In Songwriter Royalties From 43 Million Plays Of ‘Happy’ On Pandora

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 23:52

My picture from my Airbnb in Cairo, Egypt

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 22:13

Carey Mulligan Suggests Oscar Voters Need to Prove They’ve Seen the Movies

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 00:21

This Uber driver in Beijing

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 09:12

[IMAGE] IGN posted this on Twitter, wanted to ask the same question here, which franchise should return on PS5 ?

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 23:44

'The Only One I Didn't Want Her to Pick': In Secret Recording, Trump Admits Fear of Clinton Picking Sanders as VP in 2016

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 01:08

The mods are asleep post dams that are interesting

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 10:41

Liberals be tweeting out about how problematic Joe Rogan is:

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 18:23

TIFU by having the most inappropriate boner ever after being too dumb to distinguish front from back.

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 23:45

Disclaimer: originally posted over on r/sex by me and people said you guys might get a laugh out of the story too.

Second Disclaimer: Where I am from 18 and 16 yo are perfectly legal to be together and have sex. You can stop calling me a pedo or telling me I’m going to prison.

Third Disclaimer: Yeah, I know the correct abbreviation would have been FOS for the girl. I wasn’t thinking and didn’t even proof read the post before posting, because I was freaking out, so instead of FOS I accidentally went with FOP (the P being the initial of a nickname I have for my sister). No idea why FOP became FOB later. I’d like to blame auto-correct, but seriously it could just be a panicking guy wanting to be eaten by the ground.

Original text:

Most inappropriate boner in history. I want to die.

I’m [18m] on a family holiday with my parents and little sister [16f]. Also there, friend of sister [16f] plus her dad. Now friend of sister (fop from now) is hot af. We get on well, but sometimes I turn into a stuttering mess and don’t get a sentence out. I’ve been sort of trying to hit on her during the holiday, but I’m really not a good flirt and I don’t think she noticed or has completely ignored me on purpose.

Today: We are all at the pool of the holiday home we are staying at. Fop is putting sunscreen on her dad’s back and comments he seems tense, so ends up giving him a back rub/massage. Then she comes into the pool. I say (joking) that I could use help with my sunscreen too. She asks if I need a back rub too and I say May be. Then she asks my sis if she wants a back rub too and sis says Yes. Anyway, we play in the pool for ages and I forget all about the back rub thing.

We get out and fob tells me I need to lie down if I want a back rub. I’m completely unprepared and just lie down, on my back, because I’m an idiot. She sort of says Okay and straddles my stomach. I panic, but it’s kind off too late and she’s already putting sun screen on my chest. Everyone is staring, like my parents and her dad. Then her dad says [Fob’s name] stop being cruel. She asks him How she is being cruel and then asks me if she is being cruel. I just stutter and say No of course.

I try to stay super still and not make any noise, but she’s REALLY good at massages and I sort off relax and there’s a super hot girl in a swimsuit sitting on my stomach where I can sort of feel everything and the next thing I know, I’m pitching a full tent. Fuck. My parents are there, her dad is there, my sis is there and this girl is sitting on top of me, rubbing my chest. I can’t really get away. I’m only wearing my swimming stuff too, so even though I can’t see, I’m CERTAIN it is super obvious.

It gets worse. She is slowly shuffling down and suddenly, she bumps into it. Like into my cock which is rock hard. She gives me a look, shakes her head and scoots a bit up, which her dad notices. He gets up, walks past my lounger and dumps a cold damp towel on my crotch, before jumping into the water. I’m assuming because he didn’t want my dick near his daughter’s ass. My mother then excuses herself to go inside, looking like she is about to die of trying to suppress her laughter. Dad has his face firmly behind his newspaper and my sister looks utterly disgusted.

I have no idea how I’m ever going to look any of these people into the face ever again. I’m currently hiding in my room, but I need to see them again for dinner.

EDIT: Okay. So her dad just came into my room and told me to clench and unclench my thigh muscles to get rid of an erection. Then he patted my shoulder and left again. WTF?

UPDATE: This isn’t really the update I wanted to give and I don’t really have a ton of time, cause we are doing a lot of stuff. So I got out of my room and everyone just completely ignored anything happened, other than mum who still smirks but tries super hard not to. My sister has told me that boys are disgusting too. Apparently she was super pissed and apologised to fop originally, but fop just shrugged and told her it was a massage thing. Anyway, dinner was okay. Like we talked about what to do the next day and stuff. After dinner I followed fop trying to get her alone, but she disappeared onto a balcony with her dad, so I can now confirm she got an earful. However the earful was less than complimentary tbh. Also when they are alone those two think that puns/innuendos are funny af. Okay.

Essentially he told her off for causing a boner in public and she said she thought guys couldn’t help it and he told her that massaging chests in bathing suits were almost certain to do it regardless. She said that it was my fault and just giving my front a massage after I didn’t turn the right way around was funny af. He said, that it would however have completely predicable results, which she knew dann well (his words). Then he complained that she was being cruel and if she wanted to get off on causing boners she should choose the Dalai Lama or some monk who hasn’t looked at a woman in 50 years, not a virgin in the midst of puberty. She said that he was the one who kept going on about appropriate age. If he could supply a 16-18 yo who hasn’t looked at a woman in 50 years she’d give it her best shot. He said Or you could stop being a collector of boners. Then it fell apart into finding the best pun name for a collection of boners (I warned you). I’m going to cut out all the other parts where the conversation went like completely off topic, because that’s kind of not relevant, but it happen a lot. Anyway, when they got back to me, she said that may be she was actually interested and he laughed and said Okay in a sort of Right. Of course you are. way, but may be she could choose someone they weren’t family friends with, so there would be no drama when she lost interest. She asked if it had to be that serious or if she couldn’t just show me the ropes and then release me back into the wild. Dad asked what would happen if I didn’t wish to be released back into the wild and if there was somehow a shortage of awkward teen males in her life. She said there wasn’t, but she was on holiday here, now. He sighed and told her to get him a Whiskey, so I ran away.

So yeah. I think she wants a convenient d for the holidays and likes being a thirst trap. Not sure how I feel about that.

TL;DR: Lay the wrong way up when offered back massage by super hot girl. Got chest massage instead. Also got boner in front of entire family and father of cause of boner. Said father proceeded to dump a cold wet towel on me, while my mum almost died laughing and sister was super grossed out. Ends with her dad telling me how to get rid of future boners. FML

submitted by /u/HorribleHoliday to r/tifu
[link] [comments]

Amelie, the fastest slice in the kitchen.

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 09:19

This house has not been unlocked yet.

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 10:57

Taiwan fines coronavirus patient $10000 for 'hiding' illness

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 06:31

That evil smile

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 09:42

Who thought this would be a good idea??

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 22:34

Twitch streamer Limmy is told to stop playing games by his son.

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 16:42

I bet Corona beer is hoping this whole virus thing blows over real soon.

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 21:20

WCGW if I chill with a duck

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-26 07:46

A man diagnosed with Wuhan coronavirus near Seattle is being treated largely by a robot

Permalink - Posted on 2020-01-25 23:34