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webshit weekly

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An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of September, 2020.

Firefox usage is down despite Mozilla's top exec pay going up
September 22, 2020(comments)
Mozilla is winning the war against its own users. Hackernews roots for the underdog, but since Mozilla insists on releasing web browsers which obstinately refuses to be Chrome, there isn't really a path forward. Much vitriol is deployed against Mozilla's recent releases, both of Firefox and of staff. Hackernews tries to point the blame at Mozilla-the-company, as opposed to its owner Mozilla-the-nonprofit, despite the fact that both organizations are run by the same people.

They're deleting my channel, but they don't know why? [video]
September 23, 2020(comments)
Google continues the war against their own users. Hackernews is pretty sure that Google might be acting like assholes here, but after some rigorous dialectic, they arrive at a more comfortable truth: Google's not at fault, Youtube video producers are. Before this idea can be fully bandwagoned, Hackernews gets nerd sniped by trying to invent an undo button for the database equivalent of a suicide bomber.

Epic, Spotify, and Tinder form advocacy group to push for app store changes
September 24, 2020(comments)
The Chinese government builds some kind of Avengers Initiative, except instead of superheroes the members are massive companies that profit on other peoples' content. Hackernews is respectful of Apple, since without them Hackernews would not know how or where to purchase computers or telephones, but carefully enunciate their excoriation of Apple's app market, which boils down to a glorified distribution platform, entirely unlike Epic, Spotify, or Tinder. A few Hackernews suggest that perhaps a pack of phone programmers should not have total control over what software people run on their pocket computers, but a pack of phone programmers insist that this is an absurd idea.

Firefox's JIT is getting significantly faster
September 25, 2020(comments)
Mozilla releases some software that mildly improves the performance of other people's software it silently runs on your computer. Hackernews feels weird watching the crew bolt turbochargers to the engines while there's a giant hole in the hull, but it makes sense that the people who put so much effort into Mozilla's one worthwhile product would want the wreck to look pretty when it finally sinks. The CEO of Mozilla is reprosecuted in the court of Hackernews, and is found still to be guilty.

Stop Asking Me to “Sign Up” (2014)
September 26, 2020(comments)
A webshit bikesheds a button. The article describes an increase from 1% to 3% as "complete obliteration" of the previous button, because this is the blog of a moron. Hackernews is also mad about the button, and posts almost three hundred comments bikeshedding other buttons too.

Someone has stolen my Instagram account
September 27, 2020(comments)
Facebook continues the war against its own users. As usual, this target gets a problem fixed by engaging with the only customer support venue offered by FAANG companies: whining on Twitter. Hackernews thinks someone should get in trouble over this, but they can't decide who.

CRDTs are the future
September 28, 2020(comments)
An Internet has opinions about multiplayer text editor construction. A Hackernews realizes that shoveling webshit into an advertising fire for a decade is not as satisfying as understanding how anything works, and is immediately beset by other Hackernews frantically justifying their webshit shovels. Later, some other Hackernews speculate about what other software can be extrapolated to text editing. Apparently none of them have ever used Unix, which demonstrates that the correct answer is "all of it."

Social Cooling (2017)
September 29, 2020(comments)
A webshit from the Before Times is worried about China's social credit system becoming commonplace. Hackernews tries to figure out why nobody wants to be seen shitting, whether or not Soviet Hackernews is better at thinking than American Hackernews, what the Silent Majority thinks about loud jerks, whether we might all be better off being ruled by an iron fist, how to fix racism, and whether racism should be fixed. No technology is discussed.

Coinbase offers exit package for employees not comfortable with its mission
September 30, 2020(comments)
Bitcoin Idiots, LLC announces that their leadership team is sufficiently rich and non-black that they no longer need to care about anything except making money (actual) off of the gullible children who play with the company's money (pretend). Anyone unwilling to ignore trivial externalities such as human rights violations is invited to fuck off immediately. Hackernews is not rich enough to make such proclamations, but hopes one day to be, and thus gives this garbage person a standing ovation. Hackernews then posts one thousand comments griping about all the horrible times that someone other than Hackernews has had the audacity to express an opinion about human society, and the disastrous effect said utterance immediately had upon the Important Business Activities that Hackernews cares about. One Hackernews explicitly compares "endangered species conservation" to "American police murdering an unarmed man in broad daylight," and finds them to be equivalently political topics. In cadence, every other Hackernews lists the specific human right they want to ignore, but can't because their coworkers will hate them.


webshit weekly

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An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of September, 2020.

When you browse Instagram and find Tony Abbott's passport number
September 15, 2020(comments)
An Internet discovers some awful webshit; the reward is a conversation with a politician who attempted to secure personal information by destroying the national internet infrastructure. Hackernews has also discovered, been affected by, or written similarly awful webshit and we are treated to a comprehensive list thereof.

This electrical transmission tower has a problem
September 16, 2020(comments)
A Twitter provides the backstory for the murder weapon of a serial killer. Hackernews is not comfortable with the Twitter's ascription of responsibility, as holding any California-based institution responsible for lax engineering and shitty maintenance practice would set a dangerous precedent and place most Hackernews at severe risk of exposure to adulthood. The thing about forest fires, says Hackernews, is that they're the fault of the forests.

Cloudflare and the Wayback Machine, joining forces for a more reliable Web
September 17, 2020(comments)
A library makes Faustian deal with some webshits. Only time will tell if Cloudflare will manage to stay online for a long enough contiguous block of time that the agreed-upon functionality will take effect. Hackernews is relieved that the library has a chance to live through this deal, which causes the rest of Hackernews to angrily declare a free CDN the most important thing any massive corporation could ever have done for society.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg has died
September 18, 2020(comments)
A judge has passed away. No technology is discussed.

DuckDB – An embeddable SQL database like SQLite, but supports Postgres features
September 19, 2020(comments)
Some Internets release some software. The download page detects the user's operating system and, based on this information, presents download links to a different operating system. Hackernews is enthused by this software's similarity to whatever database they have a crush on, unless the database they have a crush on is PostgreSQL, in which case they are angry that this database is insufficiently similar to PostgreSQL.

On the Use of a Life
September 20, 2020(comments)
An Internet explains that research is for losers and cool people write computer programs. Hackernews thinks so too. The only evidence provided to back up this claim is vague gesturing at lists of computer programs written by people who like writing computer programs, which explains why the people holding this opinion declined to pursue research careers.

I no longer build software
September 21, 2020(comments)
A programmer escaped. Hackernews is fascinated by this eventuality, and the programmer arrives to narrate the process of digging a tunnel out of computer hell and emerging in the peaceful woodworking career by the time the credits roll. I did not search the comments to see if anyone else made the joke before I decided the title of this story should have been changed to "The Saw Shank Redemption."


webshit weekly

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An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of September, 2020.

Why I link to Wayback Machine instead of original web content
September 08, 2020(comments)
A webshit doesn't like advertising. Hackernews thinks that linking to archives is mean because it deprives webshits of ad revenue and places too much trust in mysterious non-profits with decades of demonstrable good faith activities. An archivist shows up to mention that you can just provide both links and stop whining.

The Long-Term Stock Exchange Opens for Business
September 09, 2020(comments)
A webshit tries to fix more problems with money. Hackernews doesn't really understand what the hell this is about, but since javascript and money are the only problem-solving tools Hackernews has any faith in, they're very excited by whatever this is. The webshit shows up to answer questions. It doesn't help; even Hackernews can see through the pageantry.

Relativty – An open-source VR headset
September 10, 2020(comments)
Some dipshits have designed a product that is hundreds of dollars cheaper than its competition, presuming you have thousands of dollars of equipment, years of training, and enough free time. Rather than just enjoying their hobby, the dipshits are convinced it should sustain an entire business. Presumably they can get 100% market penetration amongst all fourteen people who give a shit about VR goggles. Hackernews greatly appreciates technological achievements combined with an obtuse assumption of marketability, so the story receives many votes, but there is no interesting application of homemade VR goggles, so there aren't many comments.

Security by obscurity is underrated
September 11, 2020(comments)
An Internet defends the concept of 'security through obscurity' by advocating for it to be included in a range of other security measures. Hackernews completely agrees, but at least acknowledges the original admonition against obscurity involved it being the primary security measure. There follows four hundred comments from Hackernews reporting whatever is in their server logs from botnet attacks.

Super Mario Bros. 3 in 3 Minutes – World Record Speedrun Explained [video]
September 12, 2020(comments)
An Internet makes a video explaining some programming. Hackernews is astounded that someone bothered to understand how a system worked before attempting to program it, but quickly gets distracted by other video games.

Nvidia to Acquire Arm for $40B
September 13, 2020(comments)
Nvidia saves a few dollars on Tegra license fees. Hackernews cannot figure out why Apple didn't buy this company instead. The rest of the comments are Hackernews naming dead or dying processor architectures they've heard of.

Microsoft's underwater data centre resurfaces after two years
September 14, 2020(comments)
Microsoft drags its science project back out of the brine, then pretends it was worth doing. There is no useful information in the news article, no actual data presented from Microsoft, and no actionable information to be had anywhere, so Hackernews posts three hundred comments speculating as hard as they can, then incorrecting each other about it.